Certain Certainties

There are certain things in life that are certain to happen.  The cliched (death and taxes) the overlooked (heartbreak, sorrow), there are some things you just can’t avoid.  So, that’s why everybody in the world knew Britney’s return was going to be disastrous.  Everybody has commented on this and since I am a lowly follower, here we go.

First, just let me clarify that I am not like that crazy Brit fan that is now Youtube’s #1 clip, but people need to take it easy with Britney.  Actually, people need to take it easy with this whole “celebrity” thing.  When you think about it, it is really stupid.  On Facebook the other day, I was taking a look at a friend’s photos from TIFF.  Nice photos actually.  But I saw one comment that said something to the effect of, “Wow, I can’t believe you were so close to them.”  Wha?  Just human beings man, human beings.  I mean, it is interesting to see what “stars” look like in person just because you’re seeing them when they aren’t airbrushed.  For me, I would actually like to see George “Suntan” Hamilton in person, just to see if he is actually human.  I mean, people talk about modern medical miracles, HOW THE HELL IS THIS DUDE STILL ALIVE?  Is he actually alive?  Cut him open and see what he is made of!  If he were at TIFF, I would want to be near him because I would half expect him to suddenly turn around, face me and then fly directly into the sun, where halfway up he would turn into some sort of magic phoenix or something…like he was the sun’s offspring.

Anyway, back to Britney.  Where are her handlers?  What in God’s name was somebody just out of rehab doing performing in front of millions, opening a show?  That’s like when you’re at the bar, you think you have your mack on and are about to approach a smoking chick.  You’re 10 beers in and are a mess and that’s where your trusty buddy steps in and says, “Dude, don’t do it man.  I mean, I would love to see you crash and burn and I would tell you about it for years, but at the same time, I just can’t do that to you.”  Britney needs some good PR people…or a friend.  Yes, Britney needs a friend.  Somebody to say, “Hey, Brit…um, try some underpants today.  I dunno, just give it a shot.  I hear they ain’t so bad” or “Hey Brit, people put kids in childseats in the northern states…” or, well, you get the point.

But even worse than that, am I the only person who thinks that her body DIDN’T look bad?  She didn’t look like a track star, but that’s why I thought she looked good.  She had some good bits, some curves.  I thought she looked good.  I’m not going to go down that whole “what is the world coming to” regarding women’s body perceptions, but really, “what is the world coming to?”  They were calling her a pig?  Saying she was way overweight?  Really?  Anybody who said that, put on something like that and take a photo of yourself.  Compare it to how Britney looked…er…yeah, that’s what I thought.  Your stomach probably looks like a pack of hot dogs.

Britney, some advice (because she’s an avid Life In Parc reader):  Take a cue from Mariah.  Fade away for a bit, get you life in order, then come back stronger than ever.  Not to say that you have even one ounce of Mariah’s talent, but you know, this is more of a technically based motivation speech.  Follow Mariah’s strategy.  It worked.

But yeah, that backlash was almost certain.  It’s the same with Michael Jackson (and don’t think for a second I am going to defend that guy).  I mean, his last album wasn’t any worse than any other pop out there today and was actually better in some cases, but overall, it didn’t get great reviews and he was subjected to ridicule for not selling like he used to.  Um…do these people have any idea how Michael Jackson used to sell?  Nobody sells like that anymore.  Take your schizochronic tendencies and apply them to something other than music.  It’s a different world now.

I was way off track a lot on this, but whatever…it still reads okay I think…



  1. avatar Moi! Says:

    Dude…have you no mercy for this poor dead horse? Could you not resist the urge to just leave the bat for hitting baseballs and give the poor animal a break???

    I just wrote out the longest response the history of EVER…and then deleted it.

    Hmmmm…though I will say that I thought she was out of shape and could have done better in every way.

    And no I don’t have a stomach that looks like a pack of hot dogs and I like my body very much.

    Good post though…very funny!

  2. avatar Wahoo Says:

    Thank you for sharing!

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